I wondered why the baseball was getting closer and closer…then it hit me.

 

How do you find a leopard in the dark?

Use a spotlight.

 

What did one eye say to the other eye?

Something smells between us?

 

What did the doctor do to the pasta?

He removed a big ziti.

 

What trick did the magician do while driving his car?

He turned into a parking lot.

 

Shopping centers are boring. Once you’ve seen one, you’re seen the mall.

 

Two eggs and hashbrowns walked into a restaurant. The hostess said “sorry, we don’t serve breakfast here:.

 

Did you hear about the guy who ate a frog?

He croaked.

 

What do you call studying homework on a plane?

Higher education.

 

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

 

Never date a baker. They’re so kneady.

 

Hey, did you just pick your nose?

No. I’ve had it since I was born.

 

Sunday’s are sad but the day before is a sadder day.

 

What’s the best thing to eat with duck soup?

Quackers.

 

Why did the candle quit his job?

He was burned out.

 

I had a date last night. Tomorrow I’m gonna have a fig.

 

How much does a roof cost?

Nothing, they’re on the house.

 

I had an argument with my wife on the elevator. Turns out I was wrong on every level.

 

How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

 

What do you call cheese that is not yours?

Nacho cheese.

 

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator.

 

My dad hurt his arm so I was gonna put his shoes on, but they were way too big.

 

Four of the best years of my life were spent in the tenth grade.

 

I keep telling myself I’m going to buy a book on procrastination.

 

What did the drummer call his two daughters? Anna One Anna Two.

 

I told my mom a joke about boxing but she missed the punch line.

 

I told my kids to stop throwing their food, so they started throwing their plates.

 

We’re going to sell our vacuum cleaner. It’s just been collecting dust.

 

I was going to create a joke about my bed but I forgot to make it.

 

My son asked me how it feels to have the best son in the world. I told him he’d have to ask grandpa.

 

My girlfriend won’t commit. She says she is looking for the perfect match. I handed her my lighter.

 

I told my son that we have the perfect dad-son relationship. He said “you’re dad and I’m perfect”.

 

Someone stole our dog’s collar. The police are looking for leads.

 

Have you heard of “quiet tennis”. It’s like real tennis but without the racket.

 

What did the duck say to the waiter when he brought the check?

Just put it on my bill.

 

I love the word plethora. It really means a lot to me.

 

What do you call someone who raises chickens?

A chicken tender.

 

I used to work on fire hydrants but I quit because I could never find parking.

 

Who cleans up the ocean?

Mermaids.

 

Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.

 

How did the photon save money on airfare?

He was traveling light.

 

What did the fish say when he swam into a cement wall?

Dam!

 

Did you read about the queen who was only 12 inches tall? 

She was an average ruler.

 

I put my old car in reverse and thought, “wow, this really takes me back”.

 

I told my mom I’d call her later but she said she prefers “mom”.

 

What do spiders learn in school?

Web design.

 

What do you call a fly without wings?

A walk.

 

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Cuz if it had four it would be a sedan.

 

I was gonna tell a joke about sodium but then I thought “Na”.

 

I was going to be an archeologist but I was afraid my entire career would be in ruins.

 

What is a witch’s favorite class in school?

Spelling.