Why is it so hard to throw a party in space?
Because you really have to planet.

Why is it important to keep up with your homework in cooking class?
Because if you don’t, you may never
Ketchup.

What was the hamburger bun’s girlfriend’s name?
Patty.

What did the dill seed say to the other dill seed?
Now we’re in a pickle.

What did the police officer not see the speeding car?
He was too busy a resting.

What’s the worst thing about a mustard and jelly sandwich?
The taste.

What did the oven say to the slices of burnt bread?
Dude, you guys are toast.

Why did the driver honk his horn at the cow in the road?
The cow wouldn’t mooove.

Hey, our band plays tomorrow night. What could be more fun than that?
A prefrontal lobotomy

What’s the worst sickness a giraffe can have?
A sore throat.

What’s the difference between a school bus and an apple?
Well, if you don’t know, I’m not sending you to the store for an apple.

Why did great grandpa stop buying real estate?
Because he bought the farm.

Why did the man stop working at the orange juice bottling plant?
He got canned.

Wife to husband: Honey, what do you think little Joey will be when he graduates from high school?
Husband: 37

Man: I used to have a roofing company.
Friend: What happened?
Man: I came down with the shingles.

Boy: Can you spell the word “orange”?
Girl: Do you mean the fruit or the color?

Wife to husband? We should take little Joey to the zoo.
Husband: Why? If they want him they can come get him.

What did Delaware?
A New Jersey.

What did Tennessee?
Same thing Arkansas.

Why did the man put pants and a t-shirt on the entrance to his office?
Because he wanted to keep the door clothed.

Hey dad, can I start a bakery?
If it’s O cake with your mother.

It was so cold today my teen-aged son had his hands in his own pockets.

What is a young man’s favorite holiday?
KissMiss.

What were the criminal chanrges against the pine sapling?
Tree son.

Where did you learn about your roots?
I just stumbled upon them.

What’s your favorite time to cook?
Any thyme.

The only thing I did not like about my history teacher was that he was always bringing up the past.

My high school math teacher was not very good. He caused a lot of division in our class and the problems multiplied.

My parents were so stupid when I was 14. When I turned 21 I was amazed how much they had learned in just seven years.

Ouch! Why did you hit me on the head with that can of soda?
Oops, sorry, I thought it was a soft drink.

My mom was addicted to the Hokey Pokey until she turned herself around.

If our elevator stops working we’re going to take the steps to replace it.

How can my math teacher ask me how many ounces are in a cup without telling me the size of the cup?

Wife: Our wedding was very emotional.
Husband: Even the cake was in tiers.

I don’t like stairs. They’re always up to something.

Why was the man not allowed to marry Edith and Kate both?
He could not have his Kate and Edith too.

Nice to see you’re back. Especially after seeing your face.

What did the woman say to the man who dropped his Scrabble game while crossing the road?
Hey, what’s the word on the street?

What’s the guy’s name who is picking up trash on the ground?
Ben Dover

I love physics but gravity always brings me down.

Where did your mom and dad meat?
In the butcher’s shop.

Why did the clock jump out the window?
To prove time flies.

Why was the tree in the middle of the intersection?
It was trunk.

What color is the wind?
Blew

Did that dog eat your shoe?
No he just bit my tongue.

My wife should just call me “elevator” because she's always pushing my buttons. I guess that's why our relationship has its ups and downs.

Did you hear about the wig thief that escaped prison.
The police are combing the area to find him.

What was next to the fork in the road?
A slice of cake.

Why did the Energizer bunny go to jail?
He was charged with battery.

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up a pair of pants.